When God tells you to run a marathon

Distance: 15.31   Time: 2:24:31   Avg Pace: 9:26

15 miles! I did it!

But, more importantly, I did it and it felt freakin' AWESOME.

I kind of had a lot riding on this run mentally. A few days ago, I stumbled upon the info page for The Silver Falls Marathon and Half Marathon. I love Silver Falls, and this race sounds like a TON of fun. There wasn't really a question in my mind as to whether or not to register for the race... the only real question was which distance to do!

A half marathon just doesn't seem like a challenge anymore. Maybe it's because I've already trained up to it, or maybe it's because my recent long runs have been surprisingly easy (well, not easy, just easier than I imagined they would be). The next logical push is for a marathon. I know this, and yet, I was on the fence about whether to try for a marathon this fall or wait until I have more time to devote to training. Maybe when my kid is in school, or maybe after another year of building a strong base.

On Saturday's run, I talked to God about the marathon. I basically poured out my heart to him, letting all the emotion of the past couple of months rise to the surface and taking comfort in the fact that it didn't need to be explained or controlled. There is just so much beauty and freedom in that level of intimacy- not having to speak the words and yet knowing he understands.

Joy, disappointment, self-discovery, frustration, confidence, insecurity, guilt: these are feelings that have been bubbling to the surface in the last several months. I have been changed in ways even I don't fully understand yet. But he does. He knows the purpose when I do not; he understands the gift he's given me, and yet I can't even express it in words.

It probably sounds so over-dramatic to someone who has never had an experience like this. But Saturday was the most powerful time of prayer and worship that I have had in a long time. Maybe years. I felt God speaking directly to my heart, reminding me that he loves me and knows me in a way no one on this planet ever will- in a way I cannot even begin to understand.

(I'm going to go ahead and get super personal up in here. I have no idea who reads this, except for my husband, but I'm a huge believer in openness and authenticity. Those thoughts and ideas that I want to hide in a dark place in my heart- those are the things I need to speak and write about. Secrets breed shame and guilt. Honesty allows the glory of God to shine.)

I have been struggling with guilt over my running for pretty much the whole year. Recently, as I have devoted more of my time and energy to running, I have felt more guilt. Why? Mostly, it's the fact that I'm choosing to take hours each week away from my family to pursue something that seems selfish. It's also the financial cost of the sport. Although I've been pretty thrifty so far, I realize that to train for a marathon or continue at the pace I've been working, I will have to regularly spend semi-significant amounts of money. On myself. And finally, it's the fact that I find the simple act of running more satisfying and worshipful than the entire year of church (and that's not to say anything about our church body, which is fantastic). I don't think that is how things are "supposed" to be.

But there's a reason that I use the word "guilty" and not "convicted".

On Saturday, I unzipped all that baggage and just dumped it out on the pavement. What would you have me do, Lord? And his response was, let it go. Let it go. This is between you and me. I am shaping your heart. I am healing your soul. I am teaching you that you are important and beautiful as more than a mother, or wife, or servant. You have worth; your dreams have value.

In the end, it doesn't matter where, or how, God speaks to me. All that matters is that I listen and obey. Did I ever think he would tell me to run a marathon? Nope. But I recognize that he is changing my heart, and that is something I desperately need. So maybe I don't need to understand the why behind it... I just have to trust that he has set me on this path for a reason.