Venting.

Distance: 3.75 miles   Time: 31:05   Avg Pace: 8:16

(Wind sprints. I was trying to make the most out of a shorter run..)


It has been a frustrating week or two for me, and I have spent a lot of time over the last couple of days throwing myself an internal pity party.

This morning, I spent at least an hour arranging appointments with two different types of specialists to try to see if I can figure out what is going on with my body. It has been almost two weeks since I have had a genuinely good day (meaning no headaches, fatigue, nausea or stomach cramps/issues). I am just sick of it. Literally, I'm exhausted by my body and its failures. And I'm exhausted by the frustration that I have built over these physical problems... which I'm sure has exacerbated everything physically and emotionally.

If I described to you a 25-year-old woman who runs 20+ miles a week, eats nutritious foods, avoids processed foods, and maintains a healthy weight, body fat % and BMI; what picture would you create in your mind?

Would it be a person who is healthy and vibrant?

What if I described a woman who deals with regular and debilitating migraines, is dependent upon synthetic hormones to meet her body's needs, and spent three of the last seven days stuck mostly on her couch battling inexplicable nausea and stomach cramps?

Does it even seem fair that these two extremes live in the same body?

I always, inevitably, come back to the same question. Why me? It's not fair. I feel like it is more justified now that it has ever been, because I have tried so hard to listen to my body, to respect my limits, to embrace major changes that should increase my health. I mean, I freaking gave up ice cream! And popcorn!  Doesn't that count for something? Has logic failed? Someone who takes good care of their body should be healthier than a peer who eats processed junk and never exercises.

But... we live in an illogical and imperfect world. And the real failure is my attempt to control what I know is totally out of my hands. I don't get to know how many days I will have on this earth, and I don't get to decide whether I will live them in comfort or in pain.

I think health is a noble pursuit, and good stewardship is a worthy goal; but control over anything in life is impossible, and the pursuit of control leads to destruction. I thought I had learned that, but apparently it is an ongoing lesson, as I have certainly noticed a theme in my adult life.

So tonight, as I sit here battling some pretty awesome stomach cramps (and just a hint of despair), I am choosing to reflect on the goodness of God, and reminding myself that my entire purpose on this earth is to serve him. Whatever that looks like and whatever it requires of me.